Q: Dear SexDoc,
I am a 28 year old female. I can't remember exactly when this happened because I was so young. My mother owned a kennel and at some point a dog performed cunnalingus on me. I don't know if I initiated this or the dog. In fact I can't remember the first time. I do remember being very young and engaging in this behavior many times until I was in seventh or eighth grade. Before this time I guess I knew it was wrong because I did it in secret. But when I got to this age I guess I finally realized why. Anyways, the point is that I stopped doing it and since have just masterbated to the memory. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 because I was so scared to have sex, and when I did I was so drunk and high I didn't really know what was going on. Since then I have had relatively normal relationships. The main problem is that early in the relationship I would climax regularly, then it would progressively become harder and harder until I stopped with that partner. Now I'm in a relationship with a man that I want to marry and I can't climax with him anymore. Typically I just masterbate and rely on those old memories. I can't tell him my past because I'm so ashamed of what I did when I was younger and I'm ashamed of what I have to do to climax. I'm afraid that my inablity to climax with him is going to cost me this relationship and I just want to be normal. I've tried fantasizing while he performs oral sex but then I feel so guilty I get frustrated and I don't get off even when he's done it for an hour or more. Then I feel guilty he's been down there so long. I don't know what to do, I read an article that said that people can be conditioned out of sexual deviations but I can't find any step-wise directions. I can't go see a therapist because I know I couldn't tell this to a person's face. I've never told anyone and I can't convey how horribly shameful it is to try. Any advice you could provide would be tremendously appreciated.

A: I fear that you have internalized the hell fire and damnation attitude of religion regarding something they can't control.

Sexual contact with animals has gone on for many millennia, and it sounds like yours started before you really knew about the birds and bees.

Your assertion that "I guess I knew it was wrong because I did it in secret" is probably a more mature overlay than what happened. When we are toilet trained around 24 months of age, we get the message loud and clear that some things are "bathroom" things and are done in private. Anyone observed touching his or her genitals is also given a strong message that one does not do that in front of others. I suspect that if you were "only" humping a pillow, you'd do it in secret even though it was not wrong (unless you believe that masturbation is a sin).

It felt good and no harm was done to either mammal (you and the dog), and my take is that the punishment is grossly out of proportion to the crime, by which I mean that in the grand scheme of things, what happened was a harmless experiment in pleasure, for which you are paying a price that I think is needlessly onerous.

So my first suggestion is that you stop beating yourself up over that!

Secondly, many people are quite sexually responsive to a new partner, to have that become less and less exciting, so it might just be familiarity -- the wearing away of novelty -- that is kicking in.

Third, PLEASE fantasize about anything that works for you without guilt! I have had women in therapy tell me that during intercourse with their husband the only way they get off is by fantasizing the most outrageous things, like being fucked by a horse, in three orifices at once, in public on display, and other variations on themes of grandiosity (a queen allowing the studliest palace guard "service her"), humiliation (read "The Story of O" for an extremely accurate and, for some, extraordinarily erotic, explicit novel), infantilism (I'm a little girl getting raped by this nasty old man), and other themes.

Fourth, re-read what I have written in the link to "female orgasm matters" on sexdoc.com. Why expect his ministrations to get you off? There is no reason why you can't touch your clitoris during vaginal or anal intercourse in the doggy position. Even in the missionary position, if he's "riding high" enough, you can get your finger(s) on your clit. But you know better than he when to change the tempo or the location of the touch!

Please break out of the debilitating mold that the only "real" sex is penile-vaginal intercourse. Unless you're trying to make a baby, you can take turns pleasuring each other to orgasm by giving explicit directions. I knew a woman whose most explosive, violent, and satisfying orgasms came from having her clitoris rubbed vigorously while getting finger fucked anally and having her nipples bitten just below the pain threshold. Another -- absolutely true because I was there, between marriages -- made it clear that because she had the most powerful orgasms while suckling, that her preference was to give oral sex to a man as her exclusive form of sexual encounter. Incidentally, the first time she did that to me, when she began to convulse in orgasm, I thought she was having an epileptic fit, and the fantasy of her biting my penis off resulted in the immediate loss of erection. But once what was happening was communicated, on subsequent days she would say "I really feel like having 5-7 orgasms. Is it OK if I suck your cock right now?" Several men have divulged in therapy that because their wife is too loose, or too wet, etc., that their preferred sexual activity is to get a hand job while she stimulates the prostate by finger, dildo, or butt plug.

So I encourage you to fantasize about whatever works (keep it your secret so it is still private), get in touch with what combination of stimulation works for you, and feel free to touch yourself during sexual contact with him.

If you appreciate this advice (you and other readers for whom it is appropriate, because I am posting it), please respond with your reaction and what you do based on this e-mail reply.

Q: Dear SexDoc,
Is there such a thing as TOO MUCH masterbation? My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have two young children, ages 6 and 7. Most of the time we only have sex once a week and I feel this is not enough. I know that things have changed since we have kids... we're more tired than we used to be, the opportunity doesn't exist as often, etc. But... my husband masterbates several times a week, often in the middle of the night, but sometimes during the day when I'm not around and I feel like this is taking away from the desire to be with me. Is it possible for masterbation to take away from a healthy marriage? What do you suggest I do?